The title of my blog today come from the song “Not Afraid” by Stephanie Smith. This song has absolutely nothing to do with our experiences in the NICN other than at one point it’s says,”But he is with me, And I am not alone”. In the song she is speaking of God, and it’s the same in my life.

For me this title is about emotions. I am having a lot lately, some of them obviously not appreciated or agreed upon by some of our readers. That is fine, people are allowed to have difference of opinions. In my case I feel like I am not allowed to have these emotions. One poster practically attacked me because of my feelings. It’s a free world they are allowed to believe about me what they wish, but at the same time let me have my own thoughts and feelings about this whole part of life I am going through at this point in time.

To defend myself (which is something i shouldn’t have to do, and my husband has already done a wonderful job) I am human. Not every thought, feeling, or, action is going to be correct, right, or even justifiable, but they are allowable( of course this being my opinion). No one has the right to tell me how I am supposed to feel. I had a baby 3 1/2 weeks ago, I am hormonal and recovering from major surgery. My baby is currently in the NICN at Memorial Health University, and will be for many more weeks. I can’t take my baby home like normal mothers can, this in itself causes frustration and pain and heartache. I am allowed to be irritated with people. I know that these women are taking care of my child ( and are doing a wonderful job), but am I expected to like and accept every action that someone does? I don’t think so. I’m human, just because my child is in the NICN does not make me Super Woman. If someone is doing something that is not normal, do I not have the right to question their practices? I guess is some people’s opinion I shouldn’t have that right, but I do and I will. And the whole point of this Blog is to first of all let people know how Brady is doing and secondly to let people know how Erik and I are doing. People are involved in the way feel and that is life. We don’t use names for a reason. The majority of the people who read this blog will never meet one nurse in the NICN.

In, conclusion ( I feel like this has been an essay :P ) I will continue to write how I feel. Not everyone has to agree with it. I don’t think that anyone expects weeks of going back and forth to the hospital is going to be a completely positive experience. It’s not. There are always situations and people that will bring negative experiences with them. I do appreciate these women taking care of my child. I do believe that God has put us in the right place at the right time. I just wish people would allow me to have my own thoughts and feelings. The song says, “some are good, some are bad, and some are in between”, and I can tell you I have had every range of emotions, and I have written about them. I will continue to write about them. Just try to read them from the point of view of a mother who’s life is out of whack ( i guess that’s how you spell it) with crazy hormones, and a child she can see for a few hours a day, and give me a break when I have had an off day.

I want to thank the Concerned Nurse for letting Erik and I know that there is no policy on lifting the hood, it makes me feel better that the many nurses who do this are not going against policy and endangering my child. Erik and I were concerned about that, after the nurse the other night informed us that the hood should never be raised. 

Ok for the good emotions, I mean this is a blog primarily about Brady. My darling little girl is off her IV’s as of yesterday!!!!! I am so excited for this b/c now the only thing going into her little body is her feeding tube! I am so excited about this b/c you could tell the PIC line hurt her little arm. Almost every time it was touched she would cry, which to me mean it hurt. She could just be mad we are touching her. 

She also spit up for the first time yesterday. Erik said, ” hey look she’s a real baby”. It funny, but sometimes it almost seems like she’s not a real baby b/c she’s so tiny and hooked up to machines, and let’s face it, that is not what we imagine a “real” baby to look like. We are very excited about her progress and she has gained another ounce. Like always I just can’t wait to get her home and really provide and care for her.